The Relentless Pursuit of Approval and Why I'm Finally Done With It
By Phil Gee
I've spent a significant portion of my life — more than I'd like to admit — trying to be liked.
Not in an obvious, desperate way. More in a subtle, exhausting, completely-unsustainable way. The kind where you say yes to things you don't want to do, agree with opinions you don't hold, and tie yourself in knots trying to anticipate what the other person needs before they've even finished their sentence.
Classic ADHD people-pleasing. And it's knackering.
The ADHD connection took me a while to understand. But it makes sense when you think about it. A lifetime of getting things "wrong" — missing the memo on social cues, being too loud, too impulsive, too distracted, too much — teaches your brain to compensate. To scan constantly for disapproval. To pre-emptively smooth things over. To be whoever the room needs you to be.
The problem is that this strategy, while technically effective at avoiding short-term conflict, tends to destroy the very thing it's trying to protect: genuine connection. Because if you're permanently performing a version of yourself calibrated to someone else's preferences, you're not actually letting anyone know you. And if they like you, they like the performance — not the person.
I'm not entirely cured of this habit. I don't think you ever fully rewire a pattern that's been running for fifty-odd years. But I'm more aware of it now. I can catch myself in the middle of a "yes" that should be a "no" and occasionally — not always, but occasionally — choose the more honest answer.
What I've found is that the people worth keeping in your life don't need the performance. They're fine with the real version, the one who occasionally forgets things and gets distracted mid-sentence and sometimes turns up late with a very enthusiastic explanation.
The approval I spent decades chasing was never going to fill the gap. Turns out the only opinion that really matters about how I'm living my life is mine. Took me long enough to figure that one out.
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